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Stranger Danger is NOT Enough
We’re missing the biggest part of the problem in teaching kids about personal safety when we just use the 'Stranger Danger' lessons. It's a band-aid, a panacea, and it leaves our kids very vulnerable.
Imagine this: you see two guys approach a playground - one is 6’4”, long scraggly hair, beard, denim vest with black jeans, maybe a few tattoos, the other guys is 5’7”, a little older with a bald spot and glasses. He’s wearing a tan jacket. Which guy do you need to stay away from? As adults we should know that the tall dark stranger is scary and will put kids on alert. The other guy probably will not. And that’s what should concern us.
To effectively teach our kids we have to understand how their minds work. Most of us create pictures in our heads for ideas. When we say the word ‘stranger’ the brain naturally helps to complete the picture. And usually the picture that kids create in their mind looks more like the bad guy in a movie, not the bad guys in real life. I’ve seen this situation play out hundreds of times, in kids of all ages. The kids can answer the question that a stranger can look like anyone, but the pictures in their heads most often fit stereotypes.
We need to tell kids that bad guys are not stupid; they’re just bad. They will use our good intentions to trick us, use a disguise to throw us off, use trust as a weapon against us. Think about it - it would put everyone in the area on alert if someone scary looking approached. So isn’t a bad guy, someone we need to worry about, going to adopt a less alarming manner? By the way, in our training we use the term ‘Bad Guy’. Most strangers in life are not bad people (there are indeed Good Samaritans, and we’ll all probably benefit from the generosity of one sometime in life...) and not everyone we know is really trustworthy. It’s sad but true.
TRUE LIFE: Remember that the vast majority of these crimes against children are committed by someone they know, at least a little, or are familiar with. Who we are concerned about is a person who is bad, bad enough to hurt the innocent and almost defenseless.
For most bad guys, trust is the weapon of choice. Bad guys use trust to draw the victim in and wear them down, or catch them off guard. Bad guys that grab kids don’t want a fight - they are the lowest of cowards, attacking only those they know cannot defend themselves.
It's important for us to understand a little about violence in order to prepare our kids. When we teach anti-rape course for women, we describe the difference between fighting and self-protection. Fights occur with provocation, escalation and permission. Everyone has seen two boys start a fight on a playground (or in a bar - it works the same way). Someone initiates the action, both parties escalate, trying to bluff the other down, and finally it snaps. Guys fight for turf, bragging rights, the ego boost or just the fun of it (I know it sounds weird). Assaults happen without permission – they are timed to catch the intended target at their weakest moment. The ‘family friend’ who over a long or short term assaults a child left in his care, or on an outing, presents an assault, not a fight situation. And he’s using trust (your trust of him and the child’s trust of him) to reduce the resistance and take advantage.
Make no mistake - we’re talking about a predator as conniving and dangerous as any in the wild. Let’s take a note from nature... Imagine that your standing on a snow covered hill in the north and in the valley below is a great herd of elk. There are massive bulls with great racks of antlers, older and younger cows, young bulls, calves as well as the sick and old. They are grazing, minding their own business. You notice wolves creeping up over a hill on the other side of the valley. They watch the herd for a while, plotting a strategy that gives them the best chance for success. The wolves begin their approach. Before they get too close, the bull elk and a few cows smell the wolves. They go on high alert and start to move the herd away from the threat. But not everyone can keep up. The old, the young, the sick and weak trail behind the pack. This is where the wolves go. They need food, not a fight. To the back of the herd they go, cut one animal away from the rest and then move in for the kill. But why pick a smaller, weaker target? Wouldn’t the wolves get more food if they brought down of the big bulls up front? Yes, they would but then lunch might also kill them. That’s a hard lunch, not an easy meal. Sure, the wolves could brag about bringing down a big elk to all his wolf buddies, but then he might not survive to tell the tale. (Please, I’m using this story to illustrate a point about human predators - not to endorse or disparage and other issues like hunting, wildlife management, etc.) In the wild, predators have to eat to live, and it all really is part of the circle of life. But in our world we have grocery stores and food stamps.
Human predators hunt for different reasons. And just like our wolf friends, they don’t want to have to fight. They want an easy lunch - something that won’t present too much personal risk to them. If they wanted a fight, they could go to a bar and insult someone. Then they could match themselves with a more even opponent. But no - we’re dealing with the lowest predator on the planet. He (or she) picks the smallest and weakest in order to dominate and control. Teach the kids about how bd guys work, and we can help them to be prepared and not scared.
Let's work together to help kids to be good, strong and safe.